I have been called back from my Swedish adventures. In the span of two months i have gone from a hundred to zero percent of grandfathers. The last one died in a hospital-bed in his own livingroom as i wrote this.
He wanted to go quick. He had cancer in the pancreas or i think. I also don't really know what a pancreas is, but that that didn't seem to affect the cancer. |He had it for half a year already before he found out. Before the news the cancer didn't affect him so much. But when he knew, he seemed to pull his own destiny closer with amazing speed. Within five weeks his body degenerated him form a charming coffee-making man to a plant.
My grandpapa was like a mummy when i saw him three hours ago and he smelled bad. He didn't eat anymore for a while and he didn't drink anymore so his cells were purely burning their way through life in his own reserves. The by-product of that furious inner scavenging-hunt was something close to ammonia. That was part of the smell. He also couldn't keep in his pee, that is also looked upon by the nostrils. He was probably in coma, but how can you tell?
Tonight i saw on tv a Dutch doctor who was almost convicted for murder because he helped or didn't help to speed up the dying process of a man who was dying in a very awfull way. He gave him morphine, which eases the pain but which can also stop you breathing. The doctor was put in his right because it is hard to tell for which use the drug was intended.
That is not the verdict i wanted to hear. What i wanted to hear was:"We will officially let you use morphine, or other such substances to end the life of poor bastards who want to die and will die real soon, because that's what's happening on a big scale in the real world right now but halfheartedly and in secret while everybody involved knows it's the human thing to do."
One of my aunts is a nurse and she nursed my grandfather for the last couple of days. She has dealt with cases like my grandfather's a lot. She has also dealt a lot with doctors who treat cases like my grandfathers. So she knew how to walk the tight rope of pleading for softening his pain, if you get my drift.
As it is my aunt needed to hassle with the doctor. If he couldn't do anything, because this is not how her father wanted this. But the doctor didn't want his ass in jail. So well.. he could give her a morphine-plaster to ease the pain. 'But that will take seven hours to take effect,' aunt replied, 'maybe some butt-pills to bridge the time?' 'Fine,' he concluded. And then he turned to the rest of us: 'But you are aware that there is a chance it will worsen his situation.'
so sorry for you, wish you strength an peace.
love u pumpkin. Send my love to everyone back there, i´m thinking of u all.